May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)
Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.
Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.
Find what you need and bring them to your life.
A year ago my dad was here.
Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.
I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.
My next adventure. Wow.
My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.
The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.
For my 30th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.
Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.
It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.
That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.
My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.
I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.
The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.
I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!
23rd: Osaka aquarium
24th: pole dancing show
7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.
8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!
Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.
Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.
Hair became long enough for pig tails
Trip to Thailand cancelled
Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.
Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled
End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…
Chipped my front tooth. Again.
Made an address book.
Work from home days because of COVID19.
Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.
Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).
Mother’s Day-love you mom.
2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out
More beach days
Hikes with friends
Last week I began running.
Chipped my front tooth again-dental work
Some weird mystery infection.
That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.
Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.
School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.
I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.
I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.
As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.
Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.
Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.
When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.
I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.
This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.
The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light
Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers.
Until next time.